Lullabies and Lippies

Day 24.

I wish I could tell you that the past 24 days since I'd given birth have been nothing but pure bliss. I wish I could tell you that it's been nothing but rainbows and butterflies. I wish I could tell you it's been easy.

But that would be the biggest lie in the world.

Here are some of the greatest challenges for me so far as a mother:

1. The lack of sleep is not a joke
If I could say one thing to all moms-to-be out there, it would be to enjoy sleeping in while you can! I haven't been able to sleep for more than four hours straight (as in, uninterrupted) since I had given birth. My family and friends all know how much of a lola I am i.e. I am usually in bed by 9PM!

A newborn needs to feed approximately every two hours. If it's not feeding time, it's diaper changing time. If it's neither, then she wants to be held. It can get really exhausting to be "on-call," especially during the wee hours of the morning. Oh, and deciphering her cry every time is not exactly easy, either. They say, you eventually figure out if it's a hungry cry, or a diaper change cry, or an I-want-to-cuddle cry. At this point though, Jerome and I are still feeling our way through, and boy, can it get frustrating when nothing you do seems to stop the crying. We're also currently living with Jerome's parents whose room is just next to ours, so when Julianna cries at night, we're always under pressure to make her stop immediately because we don't want to wake them.

Feeding and burping an infant seems easy enough during the daytime, but it's a different story at night, especially if you've been sleep-deprived for weeks on end. I would say it takes about 40 or so minutes to feed, burp, and put her back to sleep - and that's considering we're bottle-feeding her (we're doing mixed feeding as of the moment - formula and breastmilk, both via bottle) Direct and exclusive breastfeeding and can take 30mins up to an hour solely just to feed her.

Put simply, by the time you're done feeding and burping her and you yourself have settled into bed, about to doze off, give it about 15-20 mins tops, and she'll be hungry again or needing another nappy change.

2. Another thing: Breastfeeding is physically, emotionally, mentally draining
Breast milk does not come immediately to all mothers. Some are blessed with an abundant supply immediately after delivery, some have to wait up to a week for even just a few drops. Right now, we are feeding Julianna with about 50% breast milk and 50% formula milk. Even before giving birth, I had already come to terms with myself that I would be okay with mixed feeding, just in case my milk supply is not enough. Of course, the ultimate goal is to exclusively breastfeed, but I had to have a Plan B, just in case. Letting my baby starve was not an option!

Nowadays, there is so much social pressure for a mother to exclusively breastfeed her child. She is judged and made to feel inadequate when she does not breastfeed for one reason or another. The pressure comes not only from doctors, nurses, but from other mothers, as well. I thought I would be totally at peace with mixed feeding, but I was not. Somehow, I felt guilty, like I was depriving my child of something due to her. Believe me, I really want to feed her with only my milk (I think all mothers do), but my supply is not yet enough.

How I wish increasing one's milk supply were just a matter of having tinola every meal, and taking malunggay capsules. That's sadly not the case. It's a combination of regular and efficient feeding or expression, taking galactagogues (aka food that helps boost milk supply), being relaxed (no stress), and getting enough sleep and rest - the latter two being impossible with a newborn and with no stay-in yaya!

The saddest part in all this social pressure is that most of the judgement comes from other mothers, as well. You'd think they'd be the ones to be more understanding, since they went through the same thing. Again, sadly, not the case.

3. Mommy-Guilt is real
Do I even know what I'm doing? As a first-time mom, I often wonder if what I'm doing is correct. Sometimes, I wish I could get in Julianna's head for a day, just to see what she's thinking or if she's happy with me.

Last week, Julianna threw up after I fed her. Was recommended by her pediatrician to decrease her milk intake by 0.5oz because she could have been overfed. Newborns are still in the process of learning when they are hungry, and when they are full. Sometimes, even after being fed, they cry and mistakenly think they are still hungry (it takes a while for them to realize they're actually full already) Sometimes though, they're really still hungry because their appetite has grown. It's really hard to tell the difference. On one hand, I don't want to overfeed her, but on the other hand, I also don't want her to be hungry. I felt so badly and cried so much that evening. I felt so guilty for causing her to throw up. Even though I know it could have happened to anyone feeding her (and that I did not mean her any harm,) I still felt responsible. Mommy Guilt is real.

Not gonna lie -- I would have laughed and rolled my eyes at something like this before. But I know this is something all mothers (especially new mothers) can somehow relate to.

This entry goes out to all new mothers struggling through the first few weeks after giving birth.

All new mothers who have given up sleep for their newborns.

All new mothers who, in the 2-3 hours of downtime while their babies are asleep, choose to pump milk, wash and sterilize feeding bottles, or finish some chores instead of nap, since that's the only free time they have.

All new mothers who have given up shopping, or buying things for themselves, just so that they would be able to purchase things needed by their baby.

All new mothers who persevere and get up every 2-3 hours, even in the middle of the night, in order to pump milk, just to keep their supply going.

All new mothers who suffer from cracked or bleeding nipples because of regular feeding or expression.

All new mothers who find it painful to even wear a bra now because the regular pumping have made her nipples permanently sore.

All new mothers who have been judged by their nurses, pediatricians, other mothers, and even their husbands for not being able to give enough milk to their newborn, or for choosing bottle-feeding instead of direct.

All new mothers who, despite everything they have been through in the past nine months or so, are discouraged take a shower, leave the house, or enjoy her favorite cold drink for an entire month because of post-partum healing traditions.

All new mothers who desperately want to go out for some fresh air, just to relax, but are unable to because she's reluctant to leave her baby with the yaya.

All new mothers who dare not complain, or say anything because they're so afraid of being judged.

To all new mothers, I'm saying it out loud for you.

You are not alone. We'll get through this.

The best days are yet to come!
N

I gave birth to my beautiful Julianna on Tuesday, March 28, 2017 at 1:51pm via Cesarean section. It's been 20 days since. 

One's experiences as a first-time mom is truly life-changing. My decision to include these accounts in my blog is so that one day, I can look back and remember exactly how it felt like.

Since this is my first entry officially as a mom, I thought it appropriate to write about my birthing experience, from labor to delivery.

0800H March 24 (38 weeks 6 days)
Jerome had accompanied me to my OB for a check-up. I had been taking evening primrose oil (EPO) for about a week already at my OB's recommendation. This was to help soften my cervix and aid in dilation. We didn't know what to expect at this point since we had heard mixed reviews from our friends about the effectivity of EPO. The week previous I was still at 0cm. Upon examination, I was already at 1cm - success! My OB also noted that my cervix has softened a great deal already. I was told to walk around more and to continue taking the EPO. Was asked to return on Monday for another check-up, and she told me that I would be admitted already if I had progressed to 3cm by then.

From the childbirth classes we attended, one of the recommendations to help open up the cervix and induce labor was to bounce on an exercise ball. Was luckily able to borrow one from an aunt and bounced around throughout the weekend.

0800H March 27 (39 weeks 1 day)
OB did an IE and I was at 3cm already, as she had predicted. While performing the IE, she pointed out that I was already experiencing strong contractions. She asked me if it was painful. I was completely unaware that I was already experiencing contractions because it didn't hurt - at all! It just felt like my tummy was tightening, but no pain at all, so I thought that maybe baby was just stretching or moving around inside my tummy. Women who had given birth already would describe contractions to be unbearably painful. I was already getting these contractions regularly throughout the weekend, but was completely oblivious!

As per our agreement, I would be admitted already that day. I bargained with my OB to let me go home first and take one last shower since I would not be allowed to for an entire month! (Read: ge lai aka Chinese post-partum healing; more on this next time!) She ordered a non-stress test (NST), just to be sure. If everything was okay, then I would be allowed to go home first, take a shower, then come back right away after lunch to be admitted.

0940H
NST results noted strong, regular contractions lasting 60 seconds every 2-4mins. Everything was a-okay with baby. Normally, they will tell you to delay going to the hospital and endure labor at home for as long as you can. This is because labor can last several hours and you will be completely alone in the labor room anyway with no companion. In my case however, I was asked to come in right away after my bath because my contractions were already very regular, and yet I was completely unaware of them. Doctors decided it was better for them to be able to monitor these contractions closely.

1320H
Left home and headed for the hospital (I gave birth in Cardinal Santos, btw) with Jerome.

1400H
I was brought to the delivery room where they prepped, changed, and whisked me away to the labor room.

1430H
Was settled in the labor room. The labor rooms in Cardinal Santos are quite nice, since they are actual rooms with cement walls and doors and not just curtains separating one bed from another. In the labor room, they strap you on to a fetal monitor and hook you up with an IV drip. I spent a total of 8 hours that day in the labor room from 2:30PM to 10:30PM. I was completely, utterly bored. I was the only one in the labor rooms that day, with no other mothers-to-be in labor. It was only me, a nurse by my side, the fetal monitor, and the television. They had been giving me oxytocin to help me get even stronger, more regular contractions and to further dilate. By 10:30PM however (after 8 hours), I had only progressed to 4cm. OB then decided for us to take a break, rest for the night and just continue in the morning.

2240H
I was beyond happy to be able to go back to my room for the night. Since I entered the labor room in the afternoon, I had only been able to see and talk to my husband for about 10mins (companions are only allowed to enter the labor room for a maximum of 15mins per day) so I was so glad to finally be able to talk to him!

I'm lucky because even after being administered oxytocin, I had still not experienced any labor pain at all. I told my husband, at that point, pain to me was sitting in that labor room alone for 8 hours hooked up to a monitor and an IV drip doing absolutely nothing with absolutely nobody to talk to. Seriously, I watched every one of the teleseryes, game shows, and news reports that came on! And I'm not a TV person, so that's saying something!

Apparently, my husband had only been able to settle down in the room at around 8:30pm because he had been so busy with all the paperwork required for admitting. After catching up with one another, we decided to turn in and rest up already for the big day ahead.

0530H March 28 (39 weeks 2 days)
Nurses came and brought me to the labor room (aka room of utter boredom and pain) again. Was being administered oxytocin again.

0830H
My OB arrived and did an IE - 5cm dilated, cephalic, station 2. At that point, she ruptured my bag, too, and said that my baby would be born that same day. She ordered the resident and the nurses to continue giving me oxytocin so that by the time she returned after lunch, I would be ready to push.

My labor experience had been completely painless until then.

Immediately, after my bag ruptured, I felt labor pain for the very first time, but it was still very mild. Nurses asked me to rate it on a pain scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the most painful. It was only then a 1 with the stiffness from my hands being a lot more painful. At this point, it was more of labor discomfort, rather than pain.

After that though, the pain progressed very quickly.

1030H
Pain rating is now at 3/10. Still bearable. I don't get dysmenorrhea often, and when I do, it's really not bad at all compared to what my friends would experience. The worst dysmenorrhea I had ever experienced was still a lot worse than this.

1100H
Pain rating now at 5/10. Now, it was getting painful, but still bearable. I would have to do deep breathing exercises  to help me get through the contractions.

1130H
Pain rating now at 7/10. Now, it was getting REALLY painful! Contractions lasted 90 seconds and would come every 2-3mins, so it was get really tiring! The deep breathing exercises helped, but it was getting really painful already. I would describe it as really, really bad dysmenorrhea. (Like I said, I don't get dysmenorrhea often, so I don't know how bad it can get, but I would imagine this to be close!)

1200H
Up until then, I had not asked for an epidural yet, pero sirit na - I couldn't take it anymore! I asked the resident if I could have an epidural already. After contacting my OB, she told me to wait a little while longer - just for my OB to arrive and give me an IE first, then they would give me the epidural. Okay, okay, I agreed.

1230H
My OB's clinic hours ends at 1200H, so I was expecting her to arrive already by 1230H. Still, no sign! I was getting impatient already, but I didn't want to be known as a whiney patient (LOL) so I kept quiet.

1315H
Thank goodness my OB arrived already! I was getting delirious! I asked if I could pee first before she did the IE, to which she agreed. She asked the nurses to come bring me a bed pan so that I could relieve myself.

1325H
Nurses came with the bed pan and I relieved myself. While peeing, the fetal monitor went off which signaled my baby's heartbeat dropping at an alarming rate. My OB had to physically stimulate baby's head in order for the heart rate to pick up again. The physical stimulation was one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever experienced - that, coupled with fear for my baby's life was something I would never wish for any mother to experience.

1330H
Luckily, my baby's heart rate picked up, but it was still a lot lower than what is desireable. My OB then decided that we had to deliver my baby via emergency CS. Cervix had not dilated as we had hoped, labor had already taken too long, and baby is already in distress. We had no choice. From that point on, everything happened so fast. One second, it was my OB ordering nurses to prep the operating room for emergency CS. The next second, I was already being wheeled in. I was in such a state of shock that I didn't even get to ask if they were able to tell my husband already. I was terrified.

1335H
Was on the operating table already. I heard them let my husband in. Thank goodness because I was terrified, and on the verge of crying already. I had been trying so hard not to cry, and to keep it together, but the moment I saw my husband, I completely lost it and broke down. I had hoped to give birth via NSD, not via CS, but we had no choice. At that point though, I couldn't care less as to how they delivered my baby, I just wanted them to deliver her safely ASAP.

1340H
Probably the most nerve-wrecking part for me was administration of the general anesthesia. The whole reason why I had hoped for an NSD is because I wanted to avoid being given general anesthesia. Imagine being asked to curl up into a ball to expose your spine when you have a big, pregnant belly in the way. It's really difficult! They were getting frustrated that I was not curling up enough for them. And because they were getting frustrated, I was also getting frustrated. Imagine all of that happening while still being in a state of shock from the whole emergency CS scenario.

The anesthesiologist poked me four times before she finally got it. FOUR TIMES. In one attempt, I even felt an electric sensation down my left leg. I was really so nervous! It's not like I had an alternate choice for an anesthesiologist at that point. All that time, I was just hoping to God that she would get it already and that she wouldn't hit a wrong nerve and paralyze me forever. Thank God she got it right. After four attempts. Ugh.

1345H
Lost sensation waist-down immediately after being given the anesthesia, but was still fully conscious. Curtain was brought up immediately and my husband stayed beside me the entire time.

1350H
OB announced that my baby was about to come out already. She asked Jerome to get his camera ready.

1351H
My Julianna came into this world with a loud cry. I was so relieved that she was safe. They cut the umbilical cord, and brought her to me for our first family photo. That was the last thing I remember.

1935H
I awoke in the recovery room feeling very groggy. I was woken up by the telephone ringing. It was Jerome calling the nurse to ask how I was and when I would be wheeled back to our room. I fell back asleep.

2005H
I awoke again. This time, more conscious already. I heard the nurses on the phone again with my husband. He was following up again when I would be brought back to my room. Apparently, it had been past four hours already since I was brought to the recovery room.

2040H
I was finally wheeled back to our room. Was so relieved to see my husband. He told me Julianna would be brought to our room shortly.

2100H
Our Julianna was brought to our room.

... And that is just the beginning. After delivery, we spent three more nights in the hospital. Those first three nights are a whole different story for a different day. I wish I could spend the entire day just writing about those first three nights, and the nights that followed, but duty calls! If you think I've had way too much to say already about my birthing experience, just wait for my posts on coming home with baby, ge lai (aka Chinese post-partum healing), and post-partum blues!

'Til then, I promise to keep it together!

N