Day 24.

I wish I could tell you that the past 24 days since I'd given birth have been nothing but pure bliss. I wish I could tell you that it's been nothing but rainbows and butterflies. I wish I could tell you it's been easy.

But that would be the biggest lie in the world.

Here are some of the greatest challenges for me so far as a mother:

1. The lack of sleep is not a joke
If I could say one thing to all moms-to-be out there, it would be to enjoy sleeping in while you can! I haven't been able to sleep for more than four hours straight (as in, uninterrupted) since I had given birth. My family and friends all know how much of a lola I am i.e. I am usually in bed by 9PM!

A newborn needs to feed approximately every two hours. If it's not feeding time, it's diaper changing time. If it's neither, then she wants to be held. It can get really exhausting to be "on-call," especially during the wee hours of the morning. Oh, and deciphering her cry every time is not exactly easy, either. They say, you eventually figure out if it's a hungry cry, or a diaper change cry, or an I-want-to-cuddle cry. At this point though, Jerome and I are still feeling our way through, and boy, can it get frustrating when nothing you do seems to stop the crying. We're also currently living with Jerome's parents whose room is just next to ours, so when Julianna cries at night, we're always under pressure to make her stop immediately because we don't want to wake them.

Feeding and burping an infant seems easy enough during the daytime, but it's a different story at night, especially if you've been sleep-deprived for weeks on end. I would say it takes about 40 or so minutes to feed, burp, and put her back to sleep - and that's considering we're bottle-feeding her (we're doing mixed feeding as of the moment - formula and breastmilk, both via bottle) Direct and exclusive breastfeeding and can take 30mins up to an hour solely just to feed her.

Put simply, by the time you're done feeding and burping her and you yourself have settled into bed, about to doze off, give it about 15-20 mins tops, and she'll be hungry again or needing another nappy change.

2. Another thing: Breastfeeding is physically, emotionally, mentally draining
Breast milk does not come immediately to all mothers. Some are blessed with an abundant supply immediately after delivery, some have to wait up to a week for even just a few drops. Right now, we are feeding Julianna with about 50% breast milk and 50% formula milk. Even before giving birth, I had already come to terms with myself that I would be okay with mixed feeding, just in case my milk supply is not enough. Of course, the ultimate goal is to exclusively breastfeed, but I had to have a Plan B, just in case. Letting my baby starve was not an option!

Nowadays, there is so much social pressure for a mother to exclusively breastfeed her child. She is judged and made to feel inadequate when she does not breastfeed for one reason or another. The pressure comes not only from doctors, nurses, but from other mothers, as well. I thought I would be totally at peace with mixed feeding, but I was not. Somehow, I felt guilty, like I was depriving my child of something due to her. Believe me, I really want to feed her with only my milk (I think all mothers do), but my supply is not yet enough.

How I wish increasing one's milk supply were just a matter of having tinola every meal, and taking malunggay capsules. That's sadly not the case. It's a combination of regular and efficient feeding or expression, taking galactagogues (aka food that helps boost milk supply), being relaxed (no stress), and getting enough sleep and rest - the latter two being impossible with a newborn and with no stay-in yaya!

The saddest part in all this social pressure is that most of the judgement comes from other mothers, as well. You'd think they'd be the ones to be more understanding, since they went through the same thing. Again, sadly, not the case.

3. Mommy-Guilt is real
Do I even know what I'm doing? As a first-time mom, I often wonder if what I'm doing is correct. Sometimes, I wish I could get in Julianna's head for a day, just to see what she's thinking or if she's happy with me.

Last week, Julianna threw up after I fed her. Was recommended by her pediatrician to decrease her milk intake by 0.5oz because she could have been overfed. Newborns are still in the process of learning when they are hungry, and when they are full. Sometimes, even after being fed, they cry and mistakenly think they are still hungry (it takes a while for them to realize they're actually full already) Sometimes though, they're really still hungry because their appetite has grown. It's really hard to tell the difference. On one hand, I don't want to overfeed her, but on the other hand, I also don't want her to be hungry. I felt so badly and cried so much that evening. I felt so guilty for causing her to throw up. Even though I know it could have happened to anyone feeding her (and that I did not mean her any harm,) I still felt responsible. Mommy Guilt is real.

Not gonna lie -- I would have laughed and rolled my eyes at something like this before. But I know this is something all mothers (especially new mothers) can somehow relate to.

This entry goes out to all new mothers struggling through the first few weeks after giving birth.

All new mothers who have given up sleep for their newborns.

All new mothers who, in the 2-3 hours of downtime while their babies are asleep, choose to pump milk, wash and sterilize feeding bottles, or finish some chores instead of nap, since that's the only free time they have.

All new mothers who have given up shopping, or buying things for themselves, just so that they would be able to purchase things needed by their baby.

All new mothers who persevere and get up every 2-3 hours, even in the middle of the night, in order to pump milk, just to keep their supply going.

All new mothers who suffer from cracked or bleeding nipples because of regular feeding or expression.

All new mothers who find it painful to even wear a bra now because the regular pumping have made her nipples permanently sore.

All new mothers who have been judged by their nurses, pediatricians, other mothers, and even their husbands for not being able to give enough milk to their newborn, or for choosing bottle-feeding instead of direct.

All new mothers who, despite everything they have been through in the past nine months or so, are discouraged take a shower, leave the house, or enjoy her favorite cold drink for an entire month because of post-partum healing traditions.

All new mothers who desperately want to go out for some fresh air, just to relax, but are unable to because she's reluctant to leave her baby with the yaya.

All new mothers who dare not complain, or say anything because they're so afraid of being judged.

To all new mothers, I'm saying it out loud for you.

You are not alone. We'll get through this.

The best days are yet to come!
N